GQ did what any forward-thinking magazine would. They turned their advice column over to the swingin’est, gayest (and fakest) Austrian fashion journalist they could find…
Hey, Brüno, I recently started collecting unemployment. Any style tips for someone on a tight budget?
Times are hard, but if you shop around und are prepared to vear some things twice before throwing zem avay, it is still possible to look good on a clothing budget of about $20,000 a veek. Ich mean, obwiously you vill need a bit more zan zat if you are planning on leaving ze house.
Dear Brüno, is it okay to “manscape” down there?
It’s more zan okay; it is most essential. Be careful if you do it yourself, though—yesterday ich tried to self-wax mein arschenhaller und glued meinself to ze bed. Manscaping ist important, but not as crucial as getting regular anal bleaching. If Brüno didn’t get his schmutziger arschenhaller bleached twice a month, his shtinker vould resemble Dizzy Gillespie during a trumpet solo. In Austria anal bleaching ist considered so important zat it’s paid for by ze state. In fact, you cannot run for office if you don’t have a vhite arschwitz. Indeed, ex-chancellor Kurt Waldheim vas elected on ze back of a prishtine anus. Zere are added benefits to getting ze bleaching—on my last session, mein beautician, Klaus, found ze long-lost head of a David Beckham action figure up zere.
Dear Brüno, where should I be putting my iPhone? The wife says the belt clip is totally out, But it looks like a tuna sandwich in my pocket. Anyplace else?
Vhat ein stupid question. Keep it in your assistant’s pocket, obwiously.
Dear Brüno, I am all in favor of protecting the animals, but what is reasonable? I won’t wear fur, but do I need to give up my leather jackets or shoes?
Ich vant to make it clear: Brüno ist totally against vearing fur—it’s too expensive und high-maintenance. I mean, vhy don’t giant pandas have a label on zem saying zey’re not machine vashable? Regarding shoes und jackets, if you vant to be ein Leatherboy, zat’s fine.
Dear Brüno, if forced to choose: Dolce or Gabbana?
Gabbana. Dolce is bald, so zere’s no hair to grab hold of.
Dear Brüno, can men wear heels? When and why?
Of course. Some guys look great in heels—ze singer Pink, for example. Alzo, mein last boyfreund, Diesel, vas a genuine Pygmy only three eight, so ich made him vear heels so he could give me plow jops mitout me having to bend mein knees.
Dear Brüno, I am shocked by the cost of jeans these days. I saw one pair that retailed for $700—how is that possible?
Zat’s ze great thing abaus ze recession—stores are cutting zeir prices.
Dear Brüno, how can I get some “Efron hair”? Or at least some “Pattinson hair”?
Ich vouldn’t bother getting a Zac Efron hairstyle right now, cos ich am about to change mine and he’s certain to copy me again. In terms of grooming, ze only thing he hasn’t copied me with ist getting his ballensack pierced—vell, he hadn’t had it done ze last time ich saw him.
Dear Brüno, how would you define “Obama style”?
Firstly, ich vant to say zat I find Obama an inspiration—it gives me great hope zat, after years of struggle, someone can at last get to ze White House, despite being incredibly hot. On ze other hand, it’s slightly disappointing that he needed zat beard, Michelle, to help him—but vone shtep at a time. In terms of his style, he perfectly bridges Serious und Sexy…Oval Office und Oval Orifice.
Dear Brüno, my wedding is approaching and I am desperate to impress my bride. What is appropriate groom’s attire for a Labor Day nuptial?
If Brüno vas about to be married to a voman, I’d be vearing a noose.
Dear Brüno, when I walk into a fancy designer-clothing store, the sales clerks are brusque and intimidate me. Is there anything I can do to be treated better?
You sound like ein “normie” to me—I’m glad zat high-end stores are trying to keep ze likes of you avay. Vhen I go to a store, ze first thing I look for ist ein vheelchair ramp—if zey’ve got one, I won’t go in. Ich find zose mongoloidische guys such a downer.
Dear Brüno, lately I’ve been digging this French guy Sarkozy’s look; who’s on your list of the best-dressed world leaders of all time?
Zere is one thing wrong mit ze way Sarkozy looks—it’s zat accessory beard called Bruni who follows him around everyvhere he goes. She’s about three feet taller zan him! It looks like he’s dating a post-op trannie! He either needs to start vearing platform shoes or push her round in a vheelchair or send her back to ze agency. Vhile I’m on ze subject of badly dressed leaders, please someone lock Nelson Mandela up again so ve don’t have to keep looking at zose hideous flowery shirts!
Dear Brüno, who are the other best-dressed world leaders of all time?
JFK. Obama. Castro. Timberlake.
Dear Brüno, what do you sleep in?
In reality, ich sleep in a seaweed body wrap under a Zac Posen Navy-Cut Nightshirt. In mein dreams, ich sleep naked in a giant reed basket drifting slowly down ze Nile, cradled in ze arms of Daniel Radcliffe.
Dear Brüno, what’s your feeling on getting your teeth professionally whitened?
If people vant to pay for it—zat’s up to zem. Personally, ich have never had to pay for it, und ich prefer it on ze chest to ze mouth, anyvay.
Dear Brüno, what is your definition of “creative black tie”?
Okay, off ze top of mein head—a yellow Adrienne Landau printed chinchilla rex rabbit newsboy hat, worn mit ein Cynthia Steffe blue-violet velvet cadet jacket over a Cavalli back-belted chunky oatmeal sweater vest on top of a Cacharel gala shirt in silver, matched mit John Varvatos stretchtwill-brocade sailor pants over Stella McCartney patent snakeskin monk shoes offset by Costume National elbow-length leather gloves, und to accessorize, maybe a rudraksha-bead twenty-two-karat white-gold Neil Lane Infinity Pendant. Simple. Timeless. Classic.
Dear Brüno, my nostril hairs are constantly poking out of my nose, and I’m always having to trim them back with tiny scissors. I’m afraid if I stop trimming them, they’ll continue growing until they’re ridiculously noticeable and flagellating out of my nose. Should I continue to trim, or is there a better solution?
Brüno was the first Austrian ever to have chemo purely for ze purpose of hair removal. It really is ze perfect solution for unvanted vhiskers—und not only zat, ze weight-loss benefits due to ze womiting it causes are amazing! If you’re struggling to find a doc who’ll give you ein prescription for zis, call min—you can find him in ze Vienna Yellow Pages, his name’s Oskar Mengele. He does other services, too—he just gave mein godson Florian lipo for his sixth birthday!
Dear Brüno, my wife and I have planned a Mediterranean vacation. I have never been there before, and I’m unsure about proper beach attire. Your advice?
Nine years ago, ich vas on holiday in French Polynesia, collecting shells on ze beach at sunset in a buckskin thong, vhen I caught ze eye of zat beautiful Pygmy Diesel, who vas vorking at ze Schrager spatel ich vas staying at as an oil boy. Within zwanzig minutes, he’d stolen mein heart, mein vallet, und alzo ze contents of mein kugelsack.
Dear Brüno, I’m a big believer in a “uniform”—wear the same clothes day in, day out. If you had such a uniform, what would it be?
Sadly, the glory days of ze Austrian uniform vere sixty-five years ago. Zis season’s vardrobe essential, thanks to Madonna und me, is ze “Little Black Child.”
Dear Brüno, the United States military is constantly trying to update its battle gear in the field. Are there ways you would modify the current uniform?
In mein country it’s verboten for ze soldiers to shtup each other—as ein result, to keep ze cravings at bay, over 80 percent of ze Austrian army vear Dickorette patches as part of zeir uniform. Army uniforms have to change; camo zese days ist ein total nicht nicht. I mean come on, it hasn’t been on ze runvays for over fourteen seasons now! For spring-summer 2010, ich vould put ze U.S. Army in bright pastels und slogan T-shirts, stuff like “Soldier Boy” or “Shoot Me from Behind.”
June 16th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
GQ magazine would never put an actual effeminate gay man on the cover. The only reason “Bruno” is on the cover is because he is a joke which is how GQ magazine’s staff feels about gay men. Sascha Baron Cohen promotes bigotry against gay men. This movie will validate every prejudice heterosexuals have about gay men. A few years ago a university conducted a test where heterosexual students judged essays of heterosexual and gay participants. No matter what the gay participants wrote even if it was exactly word for word what the heterosexual students wrote they always judged the gay men’s essays as “feminine” and the lesbians as “masculine”. Heterosexuals are not capable of determining what is anti-gay because they are outsiders with prejudices to homosexuality.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
You are misunderstanding the joke.
Gays aren’t the target – homophobes are.
It’s no different to Borat; he wasn’t actually discriminating against Jews or Women. He was shining a spotlight on people who do, so we could laugh at their narrow-minded prejudice.
Get it?
June 17th, 2009 at 4:26 am
An over sensitive fag. What a surprise.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:00 am
Stereotypes run both ways – gay AND straight. I’m a gay man… and frankly I am open-minded enough to find humor in making fun of gay stereotypes. The same way I can laugh at heterosexual stereotypes. Or southern stereotypes. Or northern stereotypes. This neither makes me a hater of any particular group of people nor does it make me a bigot of any kind. It makes me human. Sharing your opinion is one thing, however, you seem to be voicing it as a personal attack. When was the last time you were out with some friends at a trendy restaurant, bar or club and you made fun of the guy wearing a cowboy hat and then commented on how stupid and out of place “Billy Bob” looks? Oh, admit it… you’ve done that. Isn’t that the same thing that you are accusing heterosexuals of doing to homosexuals…acting on impulses of a stereotype? It seems to me that you haven’t come to terms with your own sexuality yet, and instead of looking in the mirror and embracing who you are, you’re finding every excuse in the book to make Sasha Baron Cohen (or anyone else you see fit) your scapegoat for holding onto your anger, or taking this as some giant attack on you personally. Lighten up, and let go of your anger! It will only make you more miserable down the road. Start small and decide who you are and be comfortable with that. If you’re not, talk to a friend… a therapist… a parent… a coworker… or someone. But you seem to have very strong opinions (nee hatred) towards heterosexuals. Choose to go see Sasha Baron Cohen’s movie, or don’t! But either way, lighten up! And please don’t take this as a personal attack, so there is no need to write some scathing reply to me… as the likelihood is that I will never see it anyway – it was a fluke that I ran across your post in the first place. Take it for what it is… a mere suggestion.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:32 am
If anyone watching Bruno believes that this is a representation of gay men, this says more about them than it does about Baron Cohen, and perhaps that’s his point. Bruno is clearly an exaggerated and extreme character and something of a stereotype. Not being gay myself I don’t feel especially qualified to comment so I would be interested to hear what gay people think about this before leaping to an ill-conceived and unecessary attack. Borat made me cringe but it also made me laugh out loud. I hated the anti-semitic aspect of the film (especially those lovely people at the B&B) but I realised that this was food for thought, there are genuinely people out there with this appalling attitude. It didn’t, on the other hand, lead me to conclude anything at all about Khazakstan – let’s face it (in case anyone is still unsure) it wasn’t a real documentary. If Bruno exposes a few homophobes and makes a few more people stand up for gay rights, then all well and good, but let’s not forget it is intended as a provocative comedy, nothing more.
June 17th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Is he real gay ?? :/
June 17th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I am a gay man, and I absolutely love Sasha Cohen and what he is saying and what he is doing with Bruno. The large majority of Gay men I come across are in fact superficial, materialistic, effeminate walking stereotypes. Far removed from progressive, Gay culture has been bogged down with Image rather then Identity, Persona rather then Personality. I think he is addressing both the bigotry of homophobia and the bigotry of gay culture. I don’t consider my sexual preference to be the end all be all of my being. It is brilliant.
Im just glad finally some one is saying it.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:37 am
so bruno is gay???
June 18th, 2009 at 12:57 am
cant wait for the movie
and that is how most of the gay people look like 
ridiculously funny and you do not want to be associated with them at all 
funny to watch them even when they walk on the street 
June 18th, 2009 at 4:40 am
i’m gay myself, and i love & admire cohen.
the movie makes everybody rethink their superficial attitude, if gay or not.
and let’s be honest: a big part of the gay scene today is not much different from that – its sad but true
June 18th, 2009 at 7:25 am
“Brüno was the first Austrian ever to have chemo purely for ze purpose of hair removal.” LOL!!! Simply brilliant!
June 18th, 2009 at 7:36 am
I find this bloody brilliant!
‘How do you defend against a man with TWO dildos?’ hahaha
Quality!
To be honest, anyone who believes that this is a slur against gays needs their head examined. Stereotypes are always funny, and this is no exception. Being gay myself, I find that the people who get offended by this are usually either a)straight people who are ‘grossed out’ by the whole gay aspect, or b)over sensitive gay guys who feel this is a dig at them. Grow up! Both of you!
He is a COMEDIAN. What about Ali G? did chavs find him offensive? (no! They actually looked up to him, and thought he was uber cool!) And Borat? Again, quality. He wants you to reassess your view on things, which is why he is so over the top and outrageous. He provides social commentary with a ludicrous twist.
Basically, although this has turned into a long winded explanation, he is only saying the following: Stop taking your life so seriously. We all get along better if we laugh at both ourselves and others.
Peace out y’all!
June 18th, 2009 at 7:57 am
The “interview” was effing funny. If this is a teaser of what the jokes will be like….can’t wait for the movie. Although I’m not sure if the MTRCB will allow its screening in my conservative country.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:16 am
come on, first impression why hes on GQ is that he wants peculiarity, character and actuality of being a reality actor,.. well that changed. its a combination of gay pride and real acceptance.. CHEERS!
June 19th, 2009 at 8:56 am
This is so brilliant.
I can’t wait to see the movie!!
June 19th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
His wife Isla is much funnier.
June 19th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Sasha Cohen is a comedian who is not afraid to make fun of anyone…. he says what most people joke about… ok maybe a bit more extream…. but he screams it to the world instead of wispering in case the wrong person hears it and takes offence! It is hard to make a joke these days without ending up in hot water. i lived with a gay house mate and he was couldnt stand the thought of hetro sex the same way so hetros cant stand the thought of gay sex. He made fun of my girlie bits but still loved me and dressed as a woman in his spare time…. i did not take offence…. each to there own i say. I think if you dont like Sasha Cohen’s jokes then dont watch his movie…. and if you dont watch his movie then you cant comment on it because you dont know what you are taking about….. if you have an opion then it should be an informed one….. Plus Sasha Cohen is a bit of fun and anyone taking him seriously is just silly…
June 21st, 2009 at 11:28 am
If you psycho-social dysfuctionals didn’t define yourselves so narrowly you
wouldn’t be such easy targets and you wouldn’t identify your blameless precious little selves with a character simply because you share his sexual practices. If you had anything more about you you wouldn’t need to mention what you get up to in the bedroom/public lavatory. But mention it you do… ad fuckin nauseam.
And the same old off-the-shelf camp persona every time. Boring.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:19 am
@ Zolox1: Hey Sacha Baron Cohen(he plays Brüno and created his character) is not gay. He has a girlfriend and has a little daughter!!!
I think Sacha B. Cohen is hilarious and his work is really admiring. What he tries to show us is pure reality and how superficial and influenced by prejudices people are. I have a friend, who is gay, and he loves him too. Some may think that he makes fun of gays and yes maybe that’s the way how it looks but neither does my friend feel offended nor am I shocked. There’s also another aspect of this movie which many people seem to forget. I am myself an Austrian and that’s why I could feel offended because Cohen makes Austria look stupid and now the whole world thinks that Austria is a country where Hitler is from and also a crazy gay man! But to be honest, it’s otherwise, I think it’s soo funny that he chose Austria for Brüno`s home country. I love he’s accent because it is so authentic and really well done. The truth is that not everybody speaks like that but at the end of the day I’m also quite happy that at least some people will know that there is a country called Austria. Let’s face it, most of the Americans have no idea of European geography.
There’s always a target group in Cohen’s movies but I shouldn’t take it seriously and if you don’t want to think about the deeper meaning and the message of this movie, then don’t watch it or go to the movies just for entertainment!!
Greetings from Vienna, Austria
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Mark in Salt Lake City hit the nail on the head.
June 23rd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
As an our lesbian and activist for the LGBT community I am always amazed at the level of sensitivity I see coming from LGBT people. Any slight, no matter how small, is automatically made into the biggest deal. So often we cannot take a joke and it’s sad. Bruno is NOT making fun of gay people. It’s making fun of those who have a problem with gay people (i.e. homophobes) just as Borat was making fun of bigots and anti-semities. Anyone who has a problem with this, as stated in several comments above, needs to have their head checked. There is a deeper message to the film behind the laughs – that we should be able to laugh at ourselves. It’s just a joke! We might have an easier time getting along if we did not take ourselves so seriously.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:12 am
omg!! lol anal bleaching twice a month hahah thats fn ridiculous!! im gonna watch this rent this and own this its gonna be hilarious i loved borat and ali g inda house i have a feeling it well be the same quallity or even better sarah cohen is awesome he better come out with a nother one in 2010 haha or even in 2 years idc as long as he comes out with another one that was the best interview ever ever ever!!! hahahahahha good job bruno haha =)
June 24th, 2009 at 12:37 am
i think that all of Sasha’s characters are bi but wants to be perceive as a straight man. with borat hes straight but maybe got confused when he went to that gay pride parade then the men tried to shove rubber fist up anus with the Jewish remarks. i am Jew and i laugh my ass off the whole movie i mean come on “smash the Jew egg before he hatches” that’s classic. now with Bruno i believe hes bi, but hes in the austrian fasion industry so thats way different than what we have in the states. so i think that there is a freeness in that part of the world, so being gay is a different lifestyle than it is here. so for Bruno maybe he thinks that its not ok to be gay in America so maybe hes more accepting to the gay community but then tries to be Americanized.
June 24th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Validating homophobia, mocking homophobes, however you want to interpret the effect of this movie, I’m really fucking excited to see Brüno!!!
June 25th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Cohen has been in Berlin, promoting his film. However, do you know how we call gay party people openly supporting the Folsom gay leather pride parade around here? “Mayor”. Nobody took the provocation seriously, and I’m proud of my city for that.
Oh, and I’m going to see the film.
June 25th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Ok i have seen the traler and as a gay man my self
i actuly found it quite funny my self it dosnt matter,
weather you a homophobic or not the pount is
its just for fun no one was harmed in anyway,
also for him acting camp there are meany deffnitions of gay
and just becasue some one is flamboyant or camp dosnt make them gay,
and i think people shuld stop disctimnating again gay people as we are people
as well now before anyone come back with the bible this religen that i know
religas people who acsept me and there are also gay jews,gay christains,gay cathlics and so on i quote the bible “LOVE THI NABOUR” now most religans say we
where created now if it is wrong then why are we here also in the while there is gay animals now i use the word gay becasue it refures to gay men and gay woman(lesbains) so all this film is in the spirit of fun so if you find it
affencive then dont watch it
i do love these types of debates lol
i was presdent for my college for nus so these where fewquent convos we had
now please think of ovether before makeing any nasty comment Don’t Hate or Discrimnate,
August 16th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Personally, I loved this movie! Even being bi/lesbian (who knows which it really is…though i find men largely undatable due to lack of interest, but havent given up completly
) i did not find this at all offensive, because it was simply showing what actually goes on as far as stereotypes go. I’ve been stereotyped and have seen others as well, so it’s nothing new. I think the movie does a good job of showing this, while still remaining ‘tasteful’ (though this could be argued). In the end, the whole must be considered to see the actual meaning: exposing and making fun of homophobia. I really think there is a lot to take away from it–more than just the laughs.